"Hey, I think we need to appoint a group leader and I will volunteer myself. Any problems?"
That was what ED said when SP and I just met him and his friend, GH, at our very first project meeting. We had just introduced ourselves and I don't think he even paid attention. SP and I were so startled that we could not respond immediately. Before we even uttered a word, he commanded, "So that's settled then, let's go and get lunch before we discuss the project."
Question marks were appearing all over my head and my friend was rolling her eyes. Apparently, she was having the same thoughts as I did. What a male chauvinist bighead. His ego was so inflated that I'm surprised he could even see where he's walking. (-.-") Anyway, it was an awful first impression and sadly, it did not improve.
Over the next few meetings, I had enough of him. There was no room for discussion at all. What he wanted was things to be done his way. I get very annoyed when I meet such people, thus I made a lot of noise of course. I gave him my opinions on the project but before I could elaborate my point, he always cut in and made remarks like, "No, it will not work." or "I think what I do is right." or "Let's just do it this way." When pressed for explanation, he could not come up with one to explain why he thought it was wrong, yet he remained aggressive, determined to get us to agree with him.
Finally, after four or five meetings, we had an argument as I really could not stand his attitude. The other two group members supported me but GH was ED's good friend, hence he was not in a very nice position to say anything against ED in front of us. However, both SP and I could sense that he was also getting a little exasperated with ED. SP tried to convince ED that he was being too high-handed but I guess it sounded like SP was just lending me support because she is my good friend. When I tried to reason with him, he did not bother to listen and simply sat there with a mutinous look. In the end, SP suggested that we split the workload between the four of us. ED and GH were to do the research paper, which took up 30% of the grade, while SP and I were to do two short assignments, each accounting for 15%. ED agreed without hesitation and added sarcastically, "The best idea today. Then I don't have to sit around and waste time man." What the hell?! I had NEVER had my patience tested like this. I felt that there was no need for that comment. It's not as if I want to waste time on him too. *Growl*
After the argument that day, I received a message from GH. He apologised for ED's behaviour and attitude, and explained that ED has always been an opinionated guy. He told me that ED was once a commando in the army and has always felt the need to lead and to feel in control of EVERYTHING. He agreed that ED's domineering character is an extremely ugly side of him. Sigh. I feel sorry for GH having to put up with such a friend.
The main problem was that ED refused to listen to others' ideas and wanted people under him to be within his control. As I refused to cooperate and be submissive, he felt angry towards me and shut me out when I was trying to iron out issues with him. When we were doing the project, I was frustrated and irritated by the fact that he rejected others' contribution. I did not like him as a person and this clouded my objective view of the matter. Admittedly, I was not able to speak nicely to him and perhaps my 'rebellious' tone aggravated the situation. In addition, maybe it was because SP and I did not express our concerns early enough and thus, being the egocentric person ED is, he just could not accept it when we started to disagree with his ideas.
How could I have resolved the issue? While reflecting on this now, I cannot help but think there could have been a better way to manage the problem. Yet, I still see no way to be able to deflate ED's big head then.
Everyone knows that teamwork is important for a successful project. Effective communication between all members definitely play a huge role. But what if? What if you meet with such unreasonable bigheads like ED? Do you still continue to reason with him when he obviously just snubs you everytime you try?
*To end the story, the project went on well as everyone did put in the best effort to do the assigned jobs. There were email updates from GH regarding his and ED's progress. SP and I did both the short assignments together and we also updated GH on our progress. ED was completely left out of the communication circle.*
9 comments:
ED sounds like a control megalomaniac. Could his need to be in charge stem from the perversion of a deeper insecurity within him? If I were to deal with such ‘unreasonable pigheads’, I would first acknowledge to myself the futility of arguing with him and let him have the benefit of the doubt. After all, he could be right. However, to quote ‘after four or five meetings’ and continued setbacks, my next move would be to massage his ego, vehemently agreeing with his idea and then try to suggest ‘add on’ to it while continuing to give full credit to him. Instead of resisting his ideas in whole, it might be possible to get him to accept minor tweaks that is seen as an extension of his original idea. Lastly, if all else fails, my last trick in the arsenal would be that after each idea or order he gives, just like the chain of command, I would relay his words by summarizing it into a form that we could all agree to work on while appearing as if we needed his approval before continuing on. In conclusion, since team work is the aim, the best way to deal with unrelenting individuals is to play up their ego.
In the post, you mentioned that "maybe it was because SP and I did not express our concerns early enough...", I agree with this very much. We should try to solve conflicts when they are small.
Many people think that conflicts left untouched will dissolve on their own. This is rarely the case. Like your case, an unaddressed conflict grows,
resentment and negative feelings increase over time. Moreover, when the emotions are intense and dominant, the causes of the conflict are unclear because of the time that has passed from the start, it will become much more difficult to manage.
I agree with what Yu Ming said! To tackle with this kind of egoistic people we need to agree with what they said to boost their ego while at the same time make some small changes to suit everyone's frame of thinking. There is no point arguing everytime when he kept snubbing at you, it will only make you even more angry and this will hinder your mood to do well in the project. When the opposing way doesn't work, try to go with the flow, you'll never know what might turn out to be=)
I thoroughly agree with Yuming. Having been through the army, I can assure you that there are plenty of ED-type characters around. For them, it is important to not DEFLATE (i repeat, DEFLATE) their ego as they will take any comments personally. The best way to handle them is to subtlety remove their "powers" as a group leader (I know, easier said than done right?). Kind of a "push and pull" tactic.
I know the agony of dealing with such people, I had my fill of them during my army days.
Hi all, thanks for your comments!
Well, I guess I was not in the mood to play up ED's ego then. Hahaha! I think all three of us were very patient with him, in the sense that we tried to suggest other possibilities or changes to his ideas, but no, he rejected all our opinions. (>.<) It is really very hard to continue 'playing' along with him. Like what Weikin said, it's easier said than done! Especially when it felt like he did not respect any of us. His friend, GH, once remarked that he should respect everyone's opinions but guess what ED did? He simply frowned at GH and did not say a word to him after that. (-.-")
I feel that it takes a lot of patience to communicate well in such situations at times. It requires the force of the mind not to react with your emotions, but to remain calm, and then think of ways to handle the person or the problem. Damn! I'm just not there yet. Mohohoho..
Well, in any case, IF I happen to meet with another such person again, I shall be more patient and 'play up' his ego the best as I can. *Wink*
Joyce, what an interesting post!
What Yu ming suggested sounds good, especially since it is just a 'short-term' project.
However, I'm wondering what happen if you have to work with such egoistic bigheads for an extended period of time? For several years for instance? Personally I think I would explode.
What happen if you are working in a company and this affects your chances for promotion? He has no right to claim credits at the expense of others.
Oh yes, you have described a real bruiser, Joyce, one that I can easily relate to. Thanks for having the guts and patience to relive this bad episode.
Now as far as your description goes, I have a one critical comment: I think this could have been shortened a bit for more impact. I like the way you jump right into your description, but maybe the last couple paragraphs could have been trimmed of detail.
I may be at fault for not stressing the requirements of the assignment (and the word limit) more.
Thanks again for the effort!
Dear Oxy,
I think I will explode too if I were to work with such bigheads for an extended period of time! :(
If a similar situation occur at work, I will try and talk to the person and make my stand clear. I am sure that others on the team will also try to communicate with him as it is more competitive in the workplace than it is in school. Like you said, it affects chances for promotion for each individual, whereas in school, the focus is on whether the project has done well overall. If direct communication fails, then I will take it up with the boss to see if the problem can be mediated. This way, the boss will also recognize the efforts of others on the team and not just the bighead's alone. X)
Dear Brad,
Thank you for your comment. I apologize for the overlong post. (>.<) I got too excited trying to emphasize the guy's superabundant ego. :p I will try to keep my posts short and sweet in future. Thank you for the reminder once again!
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