Interpersonal Conflict

"Hey, I think we need to appoint a group leader and I will volunteer myself. Any problems?"

That was what ED said when SP and I just met him and his friend, GH, at our very first project meeting. We had just introduced ourselves and I don't think he even paid attention. SP and I were so startled that we could not respond immediately. Before we even uttered a word, he commanded, "So that's settled then, let's go and get lunch before we discuss the project."

Question marks were appearing all over my head and my friend was rolling her eyes. Apparently, she was having the same thoughts as I did. What a male chauvinist bighead. His ego was so inflated that I'm surprised he could even see where he's walking. (-.-") Anyway, it was an awful first impression and sadly, it did not improve.

Over the next few meetings, I had enough of him. There was no room for discussion at all. What he wanted was things to be done his way. I get very annoyed when I meet such people, thus I made a lot of noise of course. I gave him my opinions on the project but before I could elaborate my point, he always cut in and made remarks like, "No, it will not work." or "I think what I do is right." or "Let's just do it this way." When pressed for explanation, he could not come up with one to explain why he thought it was wrong, yet he remained aggressive, determined to get us to agree with him.

Finally, after four or five meetings, we had an argument as I really could not stand his attitude. The other two group members supported me but GH was ED's good friend, hence he was not in a very nice position to say anything against ED in front of us. However, both SP and I could sense that he was also getting a little exasperated with ED. SP tried to convince ED that he was being too high-handed but I guess it sounded like SP was just lending me support because she is my good friend. When I tried to reason with him, he did not bother to listen and simply sat there with a mutinous look. In the end, SP suggested that we split the workload between the four of us. ED and GH were to do the research paper, which took up 30% of the grade, while SP and I were to do two short assignments, each accounting for 15%. ED agreed without hesitation and added sarcastically, "The best idea today. Then I don't have to sit around and waste time man." What the hell?! I had NEVER had my patience tested like this. I felt that there was no need for that comment. It's not as if I want to waste time on him too. *Growl*

After the argument that day, I received a message from GH. He apologised for ED's behaviour and attitude, and explained that ED has always been an opinionated guy. He told me that ED was once a commando in the army and has always felt the need to lead and to feel in control of EVERYTHING. He agreed that ED's domineering character is an extremely ugly side of him. Sigh. I feel sorry for GH having to put up with such a friend.

The main problem was that ED refused to listen to others' ideas and wanted people under him to be within his control. As I refused to cooperate and be submissive, he felt angry towards me and shut me out when I was trying to iron out issues with him. When we were doing the project, I was frustrated and irritated by the fact that he rejected others' contribution. I did not like him as a person and this clouded my objective view of the matter. Admittedly, I was not able to speak nicely to him and perhaps my 'rebellious' tone aggravated the situation. In addition, maybe it was because SP and I did not express our concerns early enough and thus, being the egocentric person ED is, he just could not accept it when we started to disagree with his ideas.

How could I have resolved the issue? While reflecting on this now, I cannot help but think there could have been a better way to manage the problem. Yet, I still see no way to be able to deflate ED's big head then.

Everyone knows that teamwork is important for a successful project. Effective communication between all members definitely play a huge role. But what if? What if you meet with such unreasonable bigheads like ED? Do you still continue to reason with him when he obviously just snubs you everytime you try?

*To end the story, the project went on well as everyone did put in the best effort to do the assigned jobs. There were email updates from GH regarding his and ED's progress. SP and I did both the short assignments together and we also updated GH on our progress. ED was completely left out of the communication circle.*

The Importance of Effective Communication

I was running my NMR samples in the lab one day and I had a few minutes left to run my last sample. Time was tight but I was sure that I could have done it before the time was up for the next user to run his samples. When I wanted to put in my last sample, the next user who was already there in the lab said in an aggressive tone, "No, no, NO! YOU can't do this now! I WANT to run my samples as well!", as if this was not enough, he jabbed and pointed while shrieking at me. I get your point many times over dude. (-.-")

Totally offensive. And this is why people need to learn and develop effective communication skills, so that ideas and meaning can be conveyed clearly without the need to be aggressive.

To me, good communication skills simply mean mutual respect for one another. This can be shown through many aspects of communication, for instance, body language, tone and manner of speaking, listening and even thought process. Body language includes maintaining good eye contact, the positioning of your body and head, your actions, facial expressions and so on. All these are forms of non-verbal communication. For example, keeping eye contact and leaning forward indicate to the speaker that you are being attentive.

Next significant aspect of communication is the tone and manner of speaking. I think this is especially important as wrong ideas can be interpreted if one uses a wrong tone to convey his meaning. Referring to the scenario at the top of the post, I understand that the person might be anxious to complete his task on time but judging from his rude behaviour, it shows that there is still much room for him to improve on his effective communication. To avoid any misunderstanding, I think it is essential to learn to speak with an appropriate tone and express our messages and feelings correctly.

To have a better understanding of the message being conveyed in words and actions, it is important to listen with your ears and see with your eyes. Some people tend to hear things but never listen. Sometimes hearing is not enough because you will tend to forget what is being said easily. Therefore, we need to practise active listening! This is an interesting article that I have found, entitled 'Seven DEADLY sins of (NOT) listening'. Click here.

Developing communication skills is important to me because firstly, I think I have committed a few of the 'deadly sins'. :p I believe many of us know the right way to communicate. Sometimes, it just takes a lot of practice to do it well. So do I. :) Having good communication skills will allow me to build closer ties with my friends and family, build stronger rapport with people and create a bigger network of friends in school and in the workplace in future. Possessing effective communication skills can also contribute to building self-confidence. I think that it is a great boost to my confidence level when I know what to say and how to express my ideas, be it in presentations or simply in conversations. Lastly, effective communication skills are most needed to resolve any conflict and problem. I believe that being receptive and calm can aid to resolve unnecessary arguments. In this case, if communication skills are lacking in BOTH parties, it will most likely result in a heated debate, and thus an unfavourable communication breakdown, which ultimately leads to irreparable cracks in the relationship. In situations like this, what is valuable to both parties is basic respect and willingness to listen to what the other party has to say.